There’s Rain and There’s Oil
Sweatpants are sundresses and secret caresses. Yes, I’ve seen the bruises on the backs of your thighs. Everything now nothing, no loving no laughing; your words are cold and they are blood, the lies are clouding your eyes. Your skin is shedding and your teeth are thin. Your bones are bending from within. You have left tracks in the dirt.
Etched in your back, under your shirt with my hand and my nails, our names inside a line; it was a heart and we cried, drunk from the wine, abandoning everything and time. Now there’s a blanket in the boot of our car; two empty glasses and your e-mails are written in French. The stench of the con, the truth of the trick. You are a brick in the water but I cannot let you go.
Our Eyes Were Our Hands
New Year’s Eve, popping balloons; our fireworks. No light but the moths were shooting stars that night and the sprinklers were our impromptu sex toys. Then in 1987 I was in love with you, a boy, I was a boy. A little Puff the Magic Dragon in the back of your brother’s Datsun 120-Y station wagon but we both knew it wasn’t the drugs. We shared a sleeping bag at religion camp, so tight and we bathed naked in the stream and we could see our toes on the rocks; it was cold. The water was clear and when my sneakers melted by the fire you let me wear one of yours and we laughed. Our eyes were our hands and how long we held on I couldn’t say but to this day I can draw your face from memory and I do.
Now when we meet at church or at work our hands are our eyes and we shake and we sweat. Things have changed but I will go back in time and you will go back in time and we will be the men we never became.
A handjob occurs when the woman uses the hand part of her body to stroke the penis part of a man’s body.
Sometimes there is no woman involved. i.e., man-on-man handjob action is permissible, and for some, preferable.
Handjobs were invented by a couple of Dutch teenagers in 1987.
Prior to 1987 couples would engage in mouth jobs, dry humping, “foot rolling,” or bawdy conversation.
Common terms for a handjob include handy, Palm Sunday, tuggie, and Tom Hanks.
Handjobs can relieve stress, boredom, frustration, depression, and erections.
Ejaculation must occur for the handjob to be considered complete.
Handjobs are not restrained to the bedroom. Other places they can occur include: bathroom, swimming pool, bus, movie theater, bleachers, beach, couch, shower, classroom, bushes, conference room, nightclub, car, ferris wheel, and on horseback.
Lubrication is optional for handjobs. Hot sauce is not a suitable lubricant.
If it tickles, you are doing it wrong.
Integration is an emerging trend in the world of handjobs. People are beginning to incorporate handjobs into their daily activities. For example, you can get a handjob while eating lunch or while attending a parent teacher conference.
If every man in china faced the same direction at the same time while receiving a handjob the resulting wave of semen would generate enough force when it splotched on the ground to temporarily speed the earth’s rotation by 0.000000000000000000000014 meters per second.
Handjobs are appealing to people of all ages, however interest has subsided in recent years. A poll conducted by USA Today revealed that people now prefer the following things to handjobs: butterflies; cookies with M&M’s in them; Mandy Moore; Dancing with the Stars; telling it like it is; and robots.
Benjamin King is so dumb. Boring stuff, boring stuff. Life experience. Daytime job. Degree. Master’s degree. Etc. He publishes Bronson Pinchot fan fiction and healthy and fun recipe ideas for kids at www.rollerfink.blogspot.com. He likes trousers, robots, Russian torture sluts, high fives, and re-enacting “Yes, Dear” season one episodes in his backyard. He hates tap-dancing. God, what else do you want to know? He feels like this is all getting a bit too personal.