This is what happened:
Jakob calls me up. It’s like 6:30 or a little after 6:30 and he tells me I gotta get down to Schroeder’s fish house cuz she was gonna be there and they were gonna try to get her to take off her clothes.
And I was like, “Alright! Fucking yes, finally some action.” Cuz I was at Kowalczyk’s trailer with Big-tits Banyon, who I’d been trying to jug-fuck for like five weeks, but I was pissed at her for being a slut cuz last weekend she was at Kowalczyk’s trailer cuz Kowalczyk was throwing a banger and a fuck-ton of people were there and I didn’t go cuz I had open gym in the morning. But so on Monday everyone at school’s saying that Big-tits sucked Kowalczyk’s cock and that he was about to go down on her but she smelled so bad that he was like, “Fuck this” and walked out of the bedroom on her while she was lying there on his mom’s bed. Which, if I was her I’d be fucking embarrassed for smelling that bad. So the rest of the week she’s calling me and I tell her I don’t wanna talk to her and I avoid the whore in the halls, cuz really, what a fucking whore. And she’s all pissed and spreading shit about me with her slut-whore fucking friends, which I’m like, “Whatever.” I don’t fucking care what those dumb cunts come up with about me. But I end up at Kowalczyk’s with Kowalczyk and Danno and Simpson and JC and we’re all pissed and sober cuz we can’t find someone to buy us beer. And Big-tits calls Kowalczyk about coming over and Kowalczyk says, “Sure, whatever.” Which I’m like, “Come on.” I really wanted to say something but I let that one slide for now. And so she shows up and sits down on the far end of the couch and no-one says shit to her, not Kowalczyk, not Danno, not Simpson, no-one. So she sits there and stares at her phone and acts like a cunt while we try to nail someone down who can buy us some beer.
And Jakob calls and says I need to get out to Schroeder’s fish house cuz he’s got J.D. and some Natty Ice and that Jenny was gonna be there and that they were gonna try to get her to get naked, which was sweet. So I’m like, “Fuck yeah,” and I tell Kowalczyk and Danno and Simpson and JC, and Kowalczyk says he’s gonna hang back and whatever. Simpson says the same thing. But Danno and JC are game, so we step outside and get ready to bounce. And Big-tits comes out after us and asks if she can come along and I’m like, “Fuck no. No. No, you can’t come. Fuck off.” And she gets in my face and is like, “What’s your fuckin’ problem?” and so I tell her about Kowalczyk’s banger and about how all of everybody said she sucked Kowalczyk’s cock, which pretty much makes her a whore. And she goes, “Holly Banyon, suck a dick? I don’t think so.” And I was like, “Bet ya did.” Then we got in my car and we bounced.
Schroeder’s fish house, right? You remember where it’s at? It’s on Pelican right off of 23, like almost exactly at the bend where me and Kowalczyk and Jakob saw that UFO that one time. And believe me, we were sober. We couldn’t help but be sober cuz that night was a lot like this night cuz we were bored and pissed that nobody had any beers. So we came around the bend and we saw this thing hovering about forty yards away, this thing about half the size of a football field and glowing green kinda. And it was totally silent and we were like, “What the fuck?” and I kinda wanted to drive a little closer to it but Kowalczyk said he was scared, which I don’t blame him cuz I was really scared too. Trust me if you’d saw it it’d change your life for sure. So Schroeder’s fish house is sorta by there, and we go right over there cuz we don’t wanna miss Jenny getting naked. I’d dreamed of this for forever. We park at the access and the fish house is almost pretty much near the shore, not too far out anyway. It’s fucking freezing out and I leave my jacket in the car cuz I know I’ll be just fucking hot and bothered when I see what a piece of ass she is.
For some reason Schroeder’s not there and Tim’s been there for a while I guess, drinking beer and both him and Jakob have no fucking clue where he’s at but he leaves the place open for Tim to drink and fish and fuck around, so that’s how Jak got there. He and Tim are on the third consecutive week of drinking. Jak had been drunk every single night for twenty-three days straight, which is mind-boggling. And not just, like, tipsy but I mean shit-faced. God, he’s such a slob, it’s really incredible. But he has booze, thank God, and some beer besides which is good in case I need to tone it down before I go home.
So we’re there for an hour, just fucking bored—drunk—listening to the Power Loon which is playing shitty shit like Queensryche and Stryper and Skynard and shit, which makes me really wish I had my Metallica CDs, that badass Live Shit box-set Chris couldn’t handle watching when he took that tab of acid that one time. It is so fucking heavy. Fucking “Blackened” has the sweetest, most heaviest riff known to mankind. But no, just shitty Skynard and fucking faggy “Freebird” which oughtta be banned from the radio. Just bored and pissed and horny.
But then Jenny and Kirtsen finally show up, which we’re all like, “Yes!” only we whisper it or say it under our breath. And Jenny’s wearing these hot-ass jeans and a teeny t-shirt under her jacket. And even though Kirsten’s kinda fat and gross she’s got a hot face and she apparently gives ridiculously good head, which is sweet. They both start complaining about the Loon and say we should turn on some country station, which I’m like, “Fuck that,” but Tim apparently agrees and turns on some country station. I really wanted to say something but I let that slide for now. JC, who’s already pretty drunk but not wasted drunk like Jak, gets the girls some Natty Ice which you can tell they don’t like but drink anyway so they can get in the mood. I’m still taking slugs from one of Jak’s bottles of Jack and I’m pretty fucking bombed on the couch by the radio. I’m also pretty fucking disgusted by the country music and contemplating running back to shore to get that Live Shit box-set but then Jenny starts taking off her clothes. She slips off her jeans and stands there in these neon pink panties and tells us we’re all gonna play Smiles.
Jak laughs and he starts poking at her legs and ass with one of the bottles of Jack and she’s like, “No Jakob” and he’s like, “Oo-kaaay.” You know how he sounds when he’s just fucking ripped up, real sloppy and slurring his words like a slob. But we’re all game to play and we take off our pants and sit around this big card table Schroeder’s got set up there, and Jenny and Kirsten crawl under to start the game. We’re all just trying not to grin while we get our dicks wet and I think JC’s the first one to give in and he does that thing where he bounces his fists off the side of his head, but the rest of us were straight-faced. Pretty sure Tim and Jak couldn’t even get it up by now anyway. Probably couldn’t even feel it.
But the rest of us, Me, JC, and Danno, are so fucking crazy hard at this point that we move the table out of the way and start taking off the rest of Jenny’s clothes. And she’s got these fucking awesome tits which are just amazing, and Kirsten’s over there sucking off Jak, who just sits there with his mouth hanging open, while the rest of us just go to town on Jenny, who’s loving it. And we’re all pretty much ready to take our turns going off on her when Jak comes over to join in. He sticks that Jack bottle in her and she’s like, “No!” And he’s like, “Okay, okay, okay,” you know how he sounds when he’s trying to get his way. And there he is again trying with the bottle and she’s even more serious this time. She’s like, “Jak, NO! I said NO, what don’t you get?”
And the next thing I know, I don’t even have my clothes back on, is I hear this crunch of the bottle inside her cunt, like this deep cracking sound, and the room gets real silent until Jenny starts screaming and crying. She’s screaming so loud she’s gagging and the bottle’s hanging out of her and JC’s shoving Jak and being like, “What the fuck, Jak? What the fuck did you do?”
And at this point I’m running as hard as I can back across the lake to my car. I didn’t even put my shoes back on, I’m just running, running. Just running is all I’m doing cuz I can’t think of anything else but getting outta there. I fucking pull outta that lot so fast. Speed down 23 drunk as all hell, wind back over to 371, and pull off near Pequot at one of the spots I used to take Virginia back when we used to fuck all the time. I just lay there in my car, ignoring all the phone calls. Jak calls. JC calls. Danno Calls. Kowalczyk calls. Simpson. After a few hours I’m sober enough to answer when Schroeder calls. He asks me all of these questions I got no idea how to answer. Says the police are there. Says there’s blood all over and that the police are there taking names, putting the guys in cuffs. He keeps asking me these questions. He’s like, “What happened? What happened to her face?” And I have no idea what the fuck he’s talking about. I just want to lay there, you know? Just lay there and get sober enough to drive home. After a while I drive home.
Joel Kopplin’s stuff has been in places like Metazen, HOUSEFIRE, Apt, and Literary Orphans. His novella, Spaces, is now available from Outpost19.
This is what happened: