relatio by rufus silas wally

Other people do not exist! Our anxiety over separation from the mother-figure casts a shadow on the retina, confusing the mind into thinking that there are other mothers. But there are no other mothers. In fact, there was no mother at all ever! But wouldn’t that mean that there are no people and there is no you?

Consider this: Bonding and attachment are both cornerstones of human development essential to a child’s stable functioning as it grows. How are you to function without existing at all? The answer: By achieving the Golden Relatio and consuming other things that do not exist. One can only achieve the Golden Relatio if one feeds his or her nothingness with nothing at all!

We invite you to drink from our cup and identify what is not you, i.e., “the not-me possession”.

A not-me possession is an external object. An external object is a person. Do not mistake it for an object. Lemonade is a person. It is your mother. Think about it. We are asking you to realize that nothing exists. Once you understand this, you can develop a relationship with any object that you previously thought existed – because they are people but they do not exist and they are not you, and they are your mother.

The connection that you do (not) have with other things that do (not) exist is expressed in a “relatio.” Relatios are measured in NothingMotherUnits (NMU)

Why (not) lemonade? Think about it – does anything else say mother like a cold, tall glass of lemonade? Lemonade is the oldest object of commercial relatio, dating back to the Mayan civilization where warriors roamed the countryside with monopoly rights to sell lemonade from cups from tanks from the bones of their ancestors. These warriors sought the perfect customer: their mothers. Though this philosophy of maternal liquidation originated over 1,000 years ago in Mexico, our lemonade is purely American – and more importantly, of the one true mother: your mother.

Now what? Though you do not realize it, you have been given lemons and are making lemonade. Now you are experiencing a loss of boundaries. There are layers of black static that produce blue light. It is difficult for you to see where lemonade ends and you begin. The relatio, in NMU’s, is strengthening. Count Your NMU’s as they grow. These units can be exchanged for a new not-me object for you to pair with. You must pair with an object.

But how? Keep feeding nothing with nothing and throw your life away. You have begun your courtship with the object of your choice. It is a person. It is your mother. It is the bones of your ancestors. It is you: a newborn lemon. Now perform relatio on your mother.

RELATIO: A Game of Object Pairing

Objective: The objective of this game is to establish a real relationship between two not real things.

Consider the following statement:

The empty space between stars is just as old as the stars themselves. In fact the stars don’t exist – the only thing existing is the empty space between where they aren’t. Does this scare you? Well, it should. But wait: does it titillate you? It titillates and scares the shit out of you whether you like it or not – because it is the basis of relatio, the end to which we all secretly strive.

Wait, what are we striving for? You are striving for an increased percentage score. Get it? You want points. You want to be the winner, recorded in the archives of the Universe. Yet, there are no scores, there are no archives, and there are no universes. Simply put, there is no you. So, what can you do if there are no you?

Can you still win?

Yes and No. But we prefer to say No because no is the new yes. Yes is still yes, but no is a better, updated version of yes. Ergonomic and efficient, no fits nicely into the hole where yes used to be. The hole where it used to be is your mother. Your mother is a hole.

Crawl inside the fucking hole, dick. But don’t get excited and don’t be scared. Remember: This hole is neither you nor your mother (and, of course, it is both of you—updated). But think about it: No matter what it is, it is a kind of womb and it is not there at all. It is the place where you can incubate relatio and thus rack up points using an easy checklist. Remember: the total number of points you can obtain is 23.

How do I play? Don’t be a jerk! It’s easy!

  • Establish a basic relationship between yourself and another object. Use twine, wire, rope, chain, or guilt, etc. Any object will do. You start with a score of zero.
  • Now wrap it (the relationship) in a layer of just about anything and repeat until you have about 10 layers of anything. Finally, wrap it in gift paper (so it looks nice).
  • Moles will appear from the hole where your mother wasn’t. They will briefly not exist .Whack them while they aren’t there to earn bonus points. You will notice that this is how you live your life anyway.
  • When the music stops, remove ONE layer of wrapping. Repeat until the last layer of wrapping has been removed.
  • Now you must face the boss. Half of the battle is gaining the confidence to KNOW that the next shot is going to be right down the middle. After you’ve proven to YOURSELF that this system works, you can prove it to everyone else. This is done like a cake walk. Simply Listen and Move.
  • The boss will have dice. If he throws a SIX, you must put on the Hat, Scarf and Gloves before he starts to unwrap the relationship with the knife and fork, and then starts to eat it.
  • You must disallow the boss from eating the relationship so that the protein in your mother’s brain will turn to milk and enter the only mouth there is: you mouth, the eternal mouth between the stars that were never there!

How do I compute my score? The score will compute itself for you because you don’t exist. The scoring system machine (SSM) will start computing f(x) with x=0, then increment x until f(x) is negative or not prime. If a prime number appears several times, it will be only counted once. But none of this matters at all, asshole.

Great! What Can I win?

You mean, What can’t you not unwin? Here is a list of prizes, corresponding to points earned:

1. A golden clasp decorated with diamonds and rubies

2. A golden clasp

3. A clasp worth forty pounds

4. A clasp worth forty marks

5. An “M” of gold with a diamond

6. An “O” of gold with a ruby

7. An “M” of gold with an emerald

8. A very rich ring

9. A ring of gold

10. A golden ring (2)

11. A ruby mounted on a golden rod

12. A rich silken chaplet

13. Three fine pieces of cloth

14. A swift horse with silk trappings

15. A bay horse

16. A noble courser, saddled and bridled

17. A barded destrier with harness (2)

18. A white hound with a gold collar around his neck

19. A bear

20. A talking parrot

21. A big dead fish

22. The space between two red giants

23. A big dead fish

But what can this do for me? Fuck you, don’t you get it! An interdependent social body cannot coordinate as long as its component members are locked in real relationships.

Whew, I feel amazing. Put your arms around the product of your labors. Learn to harness the power of the relatio blockade. It is made of protein. Protein gives you power. Protein comes from lemonade. Lemonade is the supple milk made from your supple mother—that’s right, I finally said it—lemonade is made from your mother. You have to sell your mother to your mother who does not exist to find out who you really are and why you do not exist. Think about it: how else can you harness the power of all this without first having the power of another object. Have it. Pair with it. That’s our motto. Have it all and pair with it all because who gives a shit, because none of it is not really not there. That’s right: you exist after all. You now have 23 points that mean nothing. Get on the exercise bike. Now you are tired and need to enjoy your relatio with our delicious, homemade lemonade.
Rufus Silas Wally does not exist. His work has appeared or is forthcoming in The Rufus Silas Wally Review.