first kiss by cecilia pavón

Both of us lying in bed
I’m full of regrets and you’re not
I’m in my cute bathing suit, to swim
And you’re naked
Your body is too skinny, you can see all your bones when you’re lying down
They stick out of your skin like a skeleton from some ship
When I hug him, I think, his little arms could break
A really hot, dry wind blows
It gets in beneath the doors and windows
The dirt it brings clings to my lips
If I try to bite the air, I bite the dust
and it’s crunchy and flavorless
Why are our eyes open this late in the morning?
Could it be that we’re dream-brothers too?
My questions are dumb
But our peaceful faces are beautiful.
No, it’s just the drugs, I tell myself
No, it’s love
Love was an enormous flag that I waved for hours
Blushing and on a high
And afterwards came the relaxation,
the strangeness,
everything strange swirling around at once
When you took your flower-shaped pill I looked at you and I smiled
And also, always, since I was born, I’ve wanted to enter your body.

We’ve not once made love since we slept in this bed
The truth is nobody knows why we’re together
Never in our lives have we made love

The party already ended,
it feels like an eternity
I spun around a lot before reaching this bed,
I walked across the grass,
I thought about the trees,
I watched the others dance
and afterwards I danced too.
On the sidewalk which is a sacred place
there were only couples.
And I told myself:
the world is a huge nest of couples,
couples falling like clusters before my eyes, like gifts for me
No spirit came to save me,
no ghost whispered in my ears
but the party was fantastic and kept on going like a war.
There was no turning back
Flashes that formed fantastic figures plowed through
the plants and the sky
everybody thought they were fleeting stars,
and they even believed in miracles
There were disco balls among the evergreens,
and the druggies’ ecstasy surrounded me with its halo of happiness
What type of happiness are you experiencing now?
Which when you were kissing that boy?
Which always? Which yesterday?
I stare and stare at you, and I simply long to follow you.
And I see my life in danger:
a big ditch splits it in two,
it’s a deep ditch without water, that for how dry it is, is really just an abyss
I could only cross it by taking great leaps,
enduring, springboard leaps
Or if a huge storm came, a flood, and the ditch filled up with water
I could cross it swimming, my heart full of luck,
towards the other shore where you would be
and where I’d give you
our first kiss.

                                                                                to DJJJ

Cecilia Pavón was born in Mendoza, Argentina, in 1973. She founded the creative space Belleza y Felicidad with Fernanda Laguna. She’s published numerous books in Spanish, most recently the short story collection Los sueños no tienen copyright, and a book of poems, 27 poemas con nombres de personas. She also collaborated on the fanzines Ceci & Fer and Ceci & Fer II. In 2012, Sand Paper Press will release a selection of her work translated to English by Stuart Krimko.

“First Kiss” was first published in ¿existe el amor a los animales?, Belleza y Felicidad, 2001.
Trans: Jacob Steinberg, 2010.