Jackson Nieuwland: So what is this ‘sex’ thing I’ve been hearing so much about recently?

Crispin Best: i don’t know what is a sex. i am the wrong person to ask. people talk about orgams but i never had one, at least i don’t think i have. people say you know a true orgams when you have one. did you ever try an orgams? can you describe it to me? is asking you questions back within the remit of this? seriously i’ve been trying to find out about what is an orgams for a really long time.

JN: I am reading about orgasms on wikipedia. It says it is, “the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual tension during the sexual response cycle, resulting in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region characterized by an intense sensation of pleasure.” What does that even mean? Do I have to have an orgasm to have children? I want to be a father but I am scared. Should I talk to my girlfriend about this?

CB: i think you don’t need to have an orgams. someone told me about something called ‘cowper’s fluid’ which can come out of you without sexual tension needing to be discharged thank god. so you should be able to have kids still if you are a nervous sexer, if you build up a lot of excess semen before becoming aroused you might be ok. damn did you know some people release 5ml of precum. means if we’re lucky, we’d only have to hang out like 3 times to get a full single shot of it between us! delish. anyway you might already know about my desire to open a museum of precum. i’m trying to get funding.http://precum.museum/ is my dream url. what’s yours?

JN: My dream url would have to be http://www.facebook.com/ but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to afford it. Crispin, you have a great body. How did you achieve this? How many bodybuilding contests have you won? Do you have any tips for beginners like me? I want to look good naked.

CB: How to Look Good Naked is a television program, first aired on British Channel 4 in 2006, in which fashion stylist Gok Wan encourages women and men who are insecure with their bodies to strip nude for the camera.

‘gok wan’ is an anagram for ‘go wank’. it is also an anagram for ‘ok wang’.

here is how to look great naked:

1) when shading in your abdominal muscles, use biro rather than marker. most people think this will be too subtle, but i find that the sexual partners find it refreshing as it’s less likely to smear on their bellies/backs/foreheads during inevitable intercourse

2) stitch small mirrors into your skin. allowing people to see how *they* look naked while looking at you naked is useful in terms of managing and contextualising their expectations. but it also allows people to see what’s happening behind them so is useful in terms of helping people look out for predators while you are in the act of coupling

3) chin ups

i never won a bodybuilding contest. many of my friends used to use ‘bodybuilder’ as a euphemism for ‘apparently gluttonous and/or heavy person’ so i often think of eating contests as bodybuilding contests. in cassandra nguyen’s front room in chicago i ate a slice of bread in ~45seconds which was faster than anyone else was able to eat a slice of bread in cassandra nguyen’s front room in chicago.

JN: I have noticed that a lot of girls are in love with you. What makes them love you so much? Where do you take girls for dates? How do you know what to talk about? How do you style your hair to make them think you are cute? I have so many questions for you!

CB: damn. it’d be nice if females were in love wth me. thanks, the idea of it is giving me a warm blanket. maybe being vaguely lonely and perennially single is very attractive to females. everyone is very interesting to me.

for dates i just take people somewhere we can talk and hopefully get drunk, usually trafalgar square or some kind of balcony or hill with lots of things to look at. one time i tried having a date in my flat but it was a disaster and the girl found an old pair of crutches and poked me with them for 20 minutes and then got drunk and lay on the floor. having lots of things to look at and react to lets you both to have big thoughts and to get scared a little. also you can tell a lot about each other by the ways you react to things happening around you. i get excited and scared easily on dates. a lot of times i end up going to poery readings and stuff and that’s really good and awkward because you don’t get to talk and you have to intuit whether the other person is enjoying things to make sure you respond correctly after the reading is finished. it’s pretty exciting.

a very good thing to talk about is disney films, i think.

the only way i ever style my face is: i have a huge tub of hand cream that my ex-girlfriend left at my house some years ago. sometimes when i feel hungover i find it makes me feel better to put the moisturiser all over my face. some of the cream will usually go on my hair and this will style it slightly and hold it in place. i think it could be repackaged and called ‘head cream’ and i would buy it. i’d feel less selfconscious buying that than buying ‘hand cream’ for some reason.

JN: Cool story bro. Should this be the end of the interview?

CB: yeah did you know i have the same initials as chris brown?

Crispin Best is =))))))))))))))))))) a beautiful human being with a beautiful human butt!!!!!!!!1

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