two more poems by michael hessel-mial

when i think about having sex
when i think about having sex i think about grabbing every part of you and using you
when i think about having sex it is living breathing ass
 
when i think about having sex i think about coming immediately and leaving
 
when i think about having sex i worry about shitting and farting everywhere
when i think about having sex i worry about saying i love you too soon
 
when i think about having sex i worry about failure
 
when i think about having sex i think about feeling everything at once
when i think about having sex i am not thinking about having sex
 
when i think about having sex i am pulled back into myself
 
when i think about having sex i wonder if it’s my penis or yours
when i think about having sex i wonder if it’s your breasts or mine
 
when i think about having sex i want to escape and live on the other side of the planet
 
when i think about having sex it feels better when i’m singing or kissing you
when i think about having sex it feels better when our bodies move so slowly, fucking feels hours away
 
when i think about having sex i say everything at once or arrange words like little cubes of reality
 
when i think about having sex i want to cry a little because there’s no way you can be this close
when i think about having sex it seems everything i ever did and enjoyed was poor preparation for it
 
when i think about having sex we never need to talk but only talking can save us
 
when i think about having sex the unthought and unexpected are nowhere
when i think about having sex i can never leave when i feel so close to you but then i want to
 
when i think about having sex i think about a resonating quality that is neither of us
 
when i think about having sex you always offer everything or nothing
when i think about having sex i think about how patient one has to be
 
when i think about having sex it’s sometimes because i am reaching away from you, into essences
 
 
damn, it seems like everybody’s getting laid
i even shaved
i even swept my hair to the side
i even wore suspenders
i even did something to make my arms look sexy
 
i even texted you too many times
i even did something about the cat hair and ants
i even checked in the mirror to confirm my good looks
i even unbuttoned my shirt
 
i even biked alone and lost for hours to get there
i even practiced masturbating according to online instructions
i even went all or nothing and flirted with everyone
i even told myself repeatedly ‘the more you worry the worse it gets’
 
but things don’t seem to be working out
and every time i have sex it’s a disaster

Michael Hessel-Mial was born in 1987, in Wisconsin. His body has gone from place to place, exchanging atoms and leaving bits behind. He is currently studying comparative literature at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. He is ‘becoming ok’ with artistic collaboration. He was made to love you. He is nearly brave.