ONCE I WAS AT AN ANNOYING PARTY FULL OF DISTASTEFUL PEOPLE AND I MEANLY STEERED EVERY CONVERSATION AROUND TO A DISCUSSION OF THE PRACTICE OF “MUNGING” SO IN THAT INSTANCE IT WAS A METAPHOR FOR “I DON’T LIKE YOU MUCH AND WISH THAT YOUR TIME BOTHERING ME MAKES YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.”

(MUNGING IS WHERE YOU PRESS ON A DEAD LADY’S BELLY TO MAKE FLUIDS RISE TO THE SURFACE AND THEN PERFORM ORAL SEX ON HER DEAD PUSSY)

BUT, GENERALLY, SPEAKING I HAVE NO IDEA HAHAHA.

I’ve heard some rumors that you are in a romantic relationship with a ghost. Is there any truth behind this?

YES, IT’S TRUE. TRUE LOVE TRANSCENDS ALL BOUNDARIES, EVEN CORPOREAL ONES.

Can you tell me about the logistics of dating a ghost? I can see hugs being difficult but the sex being amazing.

WELL, FIRST, IT’S IMPORTANT TO NOTE IM A POWERFUL MAGICIAN WITH ACCESS TO ALL SORTS OF METHODS AND TECHNIQUES UNAVAILABLE TO THE LAYMAN: RITUALS, ANCIENT HEXES AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

SECOND, IT’S JUST LIKE DATING A HUMAN EXCEPT AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT MORE THINGS ARE PROBABLY ON FIRE.

Interesting. Now, I simply must know, is it necrophilia to have sex with a ghost? Is it necrophilia to have sex with a zombie? Is it necrophilia to have sex with a vampire? Is it necrophilia if they’re alive when you start but dead when you finish?

THE ONLY TIME I FUCKED A VAMPIRE I NEVER CAME. I DON’T THINK IT COUNTS AS NECROPHILIA IF YOU DON’T COME. IM NOT A DOCTOR, THOUGH.

IM NOT A DOCTOR BUT I DID ONCE WRITE A MEDICAL TEXT BOOK. IT WAS FULL OF LIES, THOUGH.

IM NOT A DOCTOR AND I ONCE SPENT AN ENTIRE WEEK TELLING NOTHING BUT LIES. SEEMS LIKE IT’D BE EXHAUSTING BUT REALLY IT’S JUST PREVARICATIONS THAT SAP ONE’S ENERGY, THE OUTRIGHT LIE, THE OUTRAGEOUS ONES DEVELOP THEIR OWN SORT OF STRANGE, DECEITFUL MOMENTUM.
THEY CARRY THEIR OWN BURDEN, SO TO SPEAK.

I’VE NEVER FUCKED A ZOMBIE.

Here’s one that’ll really test your knowledge: is is necrophilia if you’re both dead?

OOOH YES GOOD QUESTION. ABSOLUTELY, YEAH. IT’S DOUBLE NECROPHILIA WHICH IS EXTRA ILLEGAL AND COMPLICATED, AS WELL AS LOGISTICALLY DIFFICULT. I MEAN, YOU REALLY GOTTA WANT IT. IT HAS A STRANGE BEAUTY, THOUGH. I MEAN THE SORT OF BEAUTY FOUND IN MAGNIFIED PICTURES OF POLYMOUTHED WORMS WHO LOOK LIKE THEY’RE SCREAMING ALL THE TIME AND FEED BY WIGGLING INSIDE SOMETHING LIVING AND SECURING ONTO ONE OF ITS ORGANS OR THE LAZY, SATED WAY A LION WILL SOMETIMES LOOKS AFTER A KILL, IT’S FACE ALL COVERED IN BLOOD.

I GUESS I MIGHT MEAN HORRIFYING. NOT BEAUTIFUL.

What is your opinion of sex with strangers in graveyards?

I FEEL LIKE IM IN FAVOR OF IT, GENERALLY, EVEN THOUGH I’VE ONLY HAD SEX IN GRAVEYARDS WITH PEOPLE I KNOW.

TRUE STORY: MAYBE A YEAR AGO, WHEN I WAS SINGLE, I SUGGESTED TO A GIRL I JUST MET THAT WE GO TO A GRAVEYARD AND FUCK. SHE SAID “OKAY”. SO WE DROVE TO A GRAVEYARD AND WERE BEMUSED TO DISCOVER THAT SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA CEMETERIES ARE EXTREMELY WELL PROTECTED STRUCTURES — IT HAD A 12 FOOT FENCE AND CAMERAS LINED ACROSS IT LIKE A BUNCH OF FAT MECHANICAL BIRDS STARING AT US.

SO WE DID NOT HAVE SEX IN A GRAVEYARD THAT NIGHT.

OR EVER, ACTUALLY.

How would you feel if people had sex on top of your grave? How would it compare to people dancing on your grave?

I DON’T INTEND TO BE BURIED, BUT I SUPPOSE IT MIGHT HAPPEN ON ACCIDENT ANYWAY. IM COMFORTABLE WITH PEOPLE DOING AS THEY LIKE WITH MY DEAD BODY, UP TO AND INCLUDING DANCING ON TOP OF IT.

Every human body contains atoms that originated from dead people. We all have a little Shakespeare in us. Does this mean that all sex is necrophilia?

I THINK THAT TECHNICALLY REPOSITIONS THE HUMAN ANIMAL FROM DEFINITELY ALIVE TO INSTEAD A STATE OF HALF-LIVING HALF-UNDEAD QUANTUM UNCERTAINTY. A QUICK AS YOU PLEASE ZOMBIE SICKNESS ZIPPING THROUGH OUR CORPOREAL FORM JUST FAST ENOUGH TO ESCAPE OUR MOST PROBING NOTICE — AND ANYWAY WHAT IF ALL MY ATOMS COME STRICTLY FROM OTHER BEASTS? OR LIKE ROCKS?

ALL MY ATOMS COME FROM WIGGLY ROCKS, YEAH.

THAT’S WHY I HAVE SO MANY UNEXPECTEDLY HARD SURFACES.

THAT’S WHY I HAVE SO MANY ABS.

THAT’S WHY I FEEL SO INEXPLICABLY DRAWN TO HOT LAVA
(ONLY I GUESS NOW IT’S BEEN EXPLICATED — I COME FROM ROCKS).

Ahhh, I finally understand how you manage to rock so hard. Do you have any final messages for your deceased fanbase?

NAW — THE DEAD CAN MANAGE THEMSELVES WELL ENOUGH WITHOUT ME HEH HEH. THOUGH IF YOU’VE EVER READ ANYTHING OF MINE OR SEEN MY ART AND ENJOYED IT, THANKS FOR ENJOYING IT ^-^
 
 
THERON JACOBS IS A WRITER AND ARTIST WHO REALLY ENJOYS BUGS AND ALSO DOGS AND ALSO FRIENDS AND ALSO THE INTERNET (MOSTLY). MORE OF HIS WORK IS AVAILABLE HERE: http://tphd.tumblr.com/

I have a body.

Is hair part of the body (take into account wigs and weaves)? Is hair part of your body?

I have a body that hair is a part of. Hair is a part of my body in many places. I am not too hairy, though. I think if I was too hairy it would be a constant source of anxiety. Hair is a part of the body as are fingernails.

Do you have any cool mutations? Double jointed? One eye a different colour from the other? Vestigial tail? Webbed toes? Two left feet? Eyes in the back of your head?

My cool mutations number many and you have listed a few. There is a reason I do not like pictures of myself on the internet. TLC has contacted me several times in desperate attempts to have me star in my own (freak) show. One day you and I will be together in a room and we will be quietly. The dark will let me show you things I keep hidden. You will do your best not to scream and I will kill you afterwards because that is a) what i normally have to do and b) you will be begging me to.

If you had to cut off any part of your body, which part would you choose? What would you do with it after you cut it off?

If I had to cut off any parts of my body it would be my thighs. I have spoken about this throughout my life. One thigh I would cut into bite sized pieces and sauté them in a non-stick fry pan in olive oil and the recipe I would use to prepare them would be one advised by a Michelin starred chef where it’s flavored enough to taste like God came in your mouth, but not enough to where it won’t let the inherent flavors of the thigh meat be the hero of the dish. I would pay naked gay men to watch me eat this dish. The other thigh I would feed to a starving German Shepherd and I would masturbate while he tore it apart.

If you could fuse an inanimate object to your body in the place of the part you cut off what would it be?

I would infuse pats of butter to where my thighs used to be.

Tell me about scars.

The scars tell us where we have been.

Tell me about statues.

The statues do too.

Tell me about voodoo dolls.

Voodoo dolls are purposeful.

Tell me about Barbie dolls.

Barbie Dolls were my homemade porn.

Tell me more about scars.

There are so many scars and you can’t see, and you can. What come attached to scars are questions and also, stories. Scars are placeholders. Bookmarks. They are so much or they are not. Scars.

Tell me more about statues.

Statues are similar to scars but in a way where there is no hurt. Statues are things that were once inside a person, that were once inside a material, that are now outside; beautiful, ugly or otherwise. Statues also hold places. Statues.

Tell me more about voodoo dolls.

Voodoo dolls are made of hair and skin or they are just burlap with fingernails and blood and spells dripped all over them. You should not touch a voodoo doll. There is nothing nice about a voodoo doll. Voodoo dolls.

Tell me more about Barbie dolls.

I had a box full of Barbie dolls. When you cut their hair, it doesn’t grow back. You can cut off your pajama sleeves and sew up one end and make a sleeping bag for your Barbies but you might get punished for doing that so be careful. This one Barbie doll had a yellow and black dress. This other Barbie doll had a white fur coat. All of them had little, slip-on high heels. One time, my ugliest Barbie doll got trapped in ice by the other, more beautiful Barbie dolls and her skin turned blue because I colored her skin with blue marker because she was freezing, you see? Barbie dolls.

Tell me, is the mind part of the brain? And if so is the mind then part of the body?

Yes, the mind. Yes the brain, the body.

Is it sexist that the word ‘body’ includes all the letters in the word ‘boy’ and none of the letters in the word ‘girl’?

Now that you mention it, yes, it is sexist about the word “body” not having any “girl” innit but I am not surprised.

What is your favourite thing to do with your body?

The favorite thing to do with my body that isn’t sex is sleeping. I am so boring.

Do you have a soul?

My soul is better than I have ever been/will be. I am trying to reach it.
 
 
xTx is a writer living in Southern California. She has been published in places like The Collagist, PANK, Hobart, Puerto del Sol, Smokelong, Monkeybicycle and Wigleaf. Her story collection, “Normally Special,” is available from Tiny Hardcore Press. Her chapbook, “Billie the Bull” is forthcoming from Mud Luscious press. She says nothing at www.notimetosayit.com

Ummm. Well, I have virtually no earlobes, which I am told is a characteristic of a recessive gene. You can get this by loving your family too much. I had a girlfriend once who looked at my ears one night and said, “Your ears kind of look like wolf man ears.” So obviously somewhere down the line somebody in my family loved someone else in my family wayyyy too much. Actually, there are first cousins on my mother’s side who married one another. They were called her “grandparents.”

Of course, you have to watch out for the “lovers” of things. “Love” can be a real shit ass and a real destroyer. It can make you end up with wolf man ears. So watch that family love, children—especially when it involves your loins.

Do you love yourself?

Hell, yeah. No one else is. Of course, I loathe myself as much as the next person as well. Even suicide is an act full of self love. We just need to get back to a world where the moans are meant.

Is masturbation a form of incest?

No, it’s masturbation. That’s the problem with the kids of the 21st century. They can’t tell the difference between jerking off or having sex with a goat or loving up their mother. I blame the French. Actually, the woman on the cover of Stories V! is my mother. She’s always been real supportive of my creative endeavors.

Is having sex with a clone of yourself incest?

No. That’s just called most modern relationships, or the concept of monarchy. But I guess if you look at it from a Judeo-Christian point of view we’re all engaging in incest. If there was only Adam and Eve in the beginning—then someone was taking a peek at kid sister somewhere along the way in order to continue the bloodline.

How does incest measure up against other sex crimes (rape, bestiality, child molestation, necrophilia, etc)?

I think people think of it as pretty tame compared to the others. It’s all just behavior. You can actually have sex with a farm animal in WV as long as it’s over a certain weight. For instance, if it’s over 50 lbs. it’s fair game. If it’s under, then you’re in trouble.

Does it not count as incest if the other person is over a certain weight?

Are you calling me fat, Jackson? What the hell. Are you calling me fat?

Next question. If I fall in love with a girl and start having sex with her, and then my mother falls in love with the girl’s father and they get married, is it incest for me to keep having sex with the girl?

No, I knew a kid whose dad married a woman and the woman had a daughter. The daughter was beautiful and my friend started “hanging out” with her. People at school thought it was strange or perverse. I just called it good luck. I mean I couldn’t think of a more amazing thing to happen to a 15 year old young man. I was wanting my dad to divorce my mom so this could happen to me.

The mysteries of the heart are a strange thing though. Most of these topics which are supposed to feel transgressive or shocking or whatever are really just full of sadness and smallness and vulnerability. They’re just like the rest of what happens in life. For instance, I can’t imagine a more transgressive act than having a child. There is something heroic in its sadness and impossibility. I keep believing in that impossibility though.

What is the difference between familial love and romantic love?

I’m not sure that they are much different really. I’m not a person who believes in the whole homo/hetero/bi-sexuality definitions. They are just acts. They are not definitions. I’m sure the greeks and romans would see it the same way.
I’d say the same thing about “familial” love and “romantic” love. Really the only difference is you have to pay for more shit when it comes to romantic love.

How many dates should a person go on with their sister before having sex? How many before having sex with their mother?

I thought dating was a dead concept. Maybe I’m wrong.

Is it incest if it’s just a blowjob?

Oh Jackson, you should know this by now. It’s never just a blowjob–no matter what they tell you. The flesh is always connected to the heart.

Do family resemblances extend to genitalia?

Sure. I know I’ve been doing plastic surgery for years to look like dear old dad. I only have 5-7 surgeries left until I reach my goal. At least that’s what the doctor says.

Of course, Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols said all you needed to be a good guitar player was to have a big dick and dirty fingernails. I think this is the same for writers. I have dirty fingernails, so I figure I’m halfway there.

Scott McClanahan is the writer of Stories V! (Holler Presents) and The Collected Works of Scott McClanahan, Volume 1 (Lazy Fascist Press). His book Crapalachia will be released by Two Dollar Radio in 2013 and his book Hill William will be released by Tyrant Books in 2013 as well.

Sian S. Rathore is a writer living in England studying English and getting bored as heck of all the ridiculous poetry over there. She’s 22 years old, female, and into flarf, conceptualism, and french cheeses. She’s a poetry critic featured in Stride and Cake, and was recently published in an anthology called Bad Language – The Birthday Issue.